On One Night Stands

Promiscuity has never really been my thing. I like sex just as much as the next person, but I don’t find myself out every weekend trying to bag randoms. I try to only offer my snatch up on a silver plated platter to the finest of specimens, but occasionally, every so often, I forget and before I know it, the almighty vag takes over.

It could be post breakup, post weight loss, post I just bought a crap load of shoes and need to validate my spending habits, whatever it may be, there comes a time every once and awhile that I just need to go out and slay some hunky guy with a beard and call it a day. Like I said…promiscuity has never really been my thing…

It’s in these rare moments that I want nothing more than to throw down and peace out. I’m not trying to kick it, get to know how you like your coffee or really even know your first name. On these nights, my brain goes a little something like this.

Getting ready:

–I need an outfit that says, “I’ve got a pretty sweet brain in there, but tonight it doesn’t compare to the brain I give.”

–Which pair of underwear do I like, but not enough that I care if it gets ripped, lost or taken?

–What level of eyeliner says, “Don’t tell me about your childhood, just get on it?”

Drinking and scanning:

–Oh, there’s a guy with a beard and big hands. Wait, he’s drinking a Natty Light. Pass.

–Ew, who is this guy with the tongue ring. Stop talking to me. I don’t care what car you drive.

–Oh hey, I’m kind of drunk.

–Where’s that guy with the tongue ring? Oh there he is.

–Stick your boobs out and wink at him. Nice it worked.

–He’s almost out of his beer. I’m gonna buy him another one so he knows I want to bang.

–Oh he’s impressed. Best three dollar investment ever.

–Yeah, he just grabbed my butt. I’m totally into this right now.

–I’m going to ask him if he wants to leave.

–Bingo.

Doing it and Doing it right:

–Oh yeah, you’re taking off my pants. Awesome. So glad I did those extra lunges yesterday. Maybe he’ll think I work out on the reg?

–I bet he’s got a big dick. I saw his feet. Can’t wait to see….oh. Uh. Ok, so maybe he doesn’t.

–We’re already here, let’s just do this. Maybe he’ll be good.

–Woah, slow down cowboy. No one likes a jackhammer.

–Ew, what is that on his nightstand?

–Why does he keep doing that Miley Cyrus thing with his tongue?

–Shh, stop talking. I don’t care.

–Maybe I should return those shoes, they were kind of last season’s reject. Kind of like this guy.

–Oh God, what is that face he’s making now?

–I wonder if he would notice if I just laid here and did nothing? My legs are sore from my lunges.

–Mmm, I kind of want Taco Bell after this. Wonder if we’ll be done in time for a late night snack?

–This is so not good, this is so not good, this is so not good. I should have gone with the guy drinking Natty Light.

–Guess I should just fake it, so I can leave sooner.

–Yeahhhh, ohhhh yeah. Yahhhh.

–Look’s like he bought it. Awesome. Now get off of me.

–Shh, stop talking. I still don’t care.

–Oh no, here comes the snuggle arm.

–If I leave now, I can still make it to Taco Bell, hit up some Adam&Eve self fun time, and fall asleep to Boy Meets World reruns.

–No, I don’t want to give you my number. I’m making up the excuse about having a Saturday work meeting. I have to go, stop touching me. Where’s my GD underwear? Screw it, every man for himself.

–I’m not doing this again. This happens every time.

–I think I need another pair of shoes…

–Dammit Taco Bell is closed.